Becareful what you wish for...

You know all those posts about the absence of my father?

You know all those posts about how I'd love for him to be a part of my life, to know me, to know my kids, to be proud of me?

Yeah. 

The thing is, it's been so long.  There's been so many disappointments, so many empty promises, unspoken expectations that all have fallen.  Crashing down to the ground.

He seems to come around just enough to make me think, maybe this time, he will realize how great we are, the kids and I.  Maybe just this time he will realize his mistakes in not taking a more active roll in the past twenty years.  Maybe just this time.  It will be different.

My Dad came to Bubba's game last weekend, he SAID he'd be at this Saturday's game.

I saw the hurt in my "step-mom's" posture when after the game Bubba was standing there and my step dad (who is very active in our lives) walked up and I said, "Hey Bubba there's grampy!"  Her shoulders slumped and she looked over to my Dad for his reaction.

I don't even know what to have my kids refer to him as, it's all so awkward.

Hey kids, here's your "grandpa", just doesn't seem right.  There's nothing GRAND about his PA-ing.

Meh.  Maybe this will be like all the other times...a few attempts and then he'll be done. 

*AAARRRGGGHHH*

I know, I'm all whine whine boo hiss. 

Wordless Wednesday

Tis the Season.
The season of Football.

Tuesday Random SHIZ.

Bubba's first football game was so stressful for me that I still have a stress headache.

Ok, the headache is really from different stress.

Not the stress of my "real" Dad showing up to Bubba's game, but that happened too.

Not the stress of Bubba getting hurt, which he did not, thankfully.

Someone put up a facebook status that made me laugh...it said....
"Where is my damn bottle of Fukitol?? I think I need to set an appointment with Dr. Don't Give A Damn for a REFILL!!"

*snicker*

James Morrison's voice is soooo sexy.  I literally melt when I hear it.  I wanna make love to his voice.



This upcoming weekend is going to be jam packed again.  We have a meet the baby party for my cousin, football games saturday, wedding (in which I am taking the pictures and Mr.FF is making the cake) saturday...and then NOTHING (as far as I know, right now) on Sunday and Monday.  Maybe some R&R by a pool is in order.

Do you know what DC shoes are?  Yeah, me neither.  Bubba does and keeps showing off his new "DC Shoes" and telling everyone about them.  Thanks Captain Cancel, the fathering you are succeeding in is teaching your child to be materialistic.  Awesome.

There is no crime in buying your child new shoes, however the ones you bought him six months ago are perfectly suitable still.

Karate costs as much as my cable bill every month.  Which is more crazy?  Paying $100 for cable or karate?  Don't answer that.

The last ad I saw for my cell phone had a plan that would cost me $10 more a month for internet access on my phone.  Should I pay an additional $10 and save myself on the cost of a computer and internet service?  Then again, if Buggy needs the internet for school I'd have to hand her over my phone. HMMMM.

It's been how long?

Me:  Are you ok with me changing my status to:  "In a relationship with MR.FF"

Mr.FF: YES!!!

Me:  What? 

Mr.FF:   Yes I am OK with that.

Me:  Really?  I mean if it's too much or too....i don't know...*blushing smile*

Mr.FF:  Ooooohhhhhh (and this is when he calls me by my last name)

Me:  Whhhhaaatttt? 



Right?  Ya'll it's a big step changing the facebook status no?
 
We've talked about this before and just threw it to the side, cause it's so silly.  So juvenile, really. 

Except.  Maybe it's not.  Maybe it's a step in a direction, an admittance of "taken" to those that are our friends, to each other. 
 
No.  It's silly.  Either way. 

Just look at our pictures and you can tell...we do everything together. 

Except.  When I posted a Buffett picture of us together a mutual school friend commented...
 
"Nice picture, am I missing something?"
 
To which I answered...
 
"Yeah you are...an awesome concert."

I sometimes feel like we are denial of our relationship status, publically at least.

The kids and I were sitting at Onion's practice one night and we ran into a guy that went to school with me (and Mr.FF).  After a few minutes talking he asked if I had a son on the team. 

"No, I'm here watching ...."  I started to say.

"My mom and Mr.FF are boyfriend and girlfriend."  Bubba blurts out.

My cheeks reddened.  The guy laughed.

So I continued "We are hearing watching Mr.FF's son practice."

"I haven't heard it called boyfriend and girlfriend since high school."  He laughed again.

I know.  It does sound funny.

******
This post is all for naught.  Apparently the status is sooo silly that I'm sitting here HURT over him ignoring my "in a relationship with..." status request because he's questioning my motives about wanting to change it. 

Which has now gone down hill pretty quickly.

:-(

Avoidance...er I mean Award

Lookie, lookie.

An award that I stole was given.

Probably because The Ninja likes my ninja ways...or wants to pop my cherry.

Or because I am avoiding awesome.

So this past weekend was the wake for my Gramma.

I was dreading going.  Wakes are no fun, especially wakes that include my Dad.  Not that I would really have anything to base that on.  It's been 26 years since we've had a funeral on that side of my family.

26 years that my Grandpa has been gone.  My Gramma was without her partner for 26 years.  That makes me sad, however, eases her death a little to know that where ever that afterlife is, they are together.

I was stressed and really have been stressed since the call.  From abandonment dreams to sensitivity towards Mr.FF, insecurities flying out as openly as ever.  The insecurities that I try to keep reigns on, the insecurities that I keep close and usually brush off as just silly feelings that don't need to be shared.

Poor Mr.FF.  He held up like a champ.  Even when I laid in his bed crying uncontrollable tears knowing where they were coming from but unable to put words to them, he just held me.  He just made me feel safe and loved.

I also was stressed over what to wear to the shindig.  Black is so cliche.  Do people still really wear black to these things?  I've seen black in weddings now...well, guess weddings/death = black.  I didn't want to wear black, but I didn't want to wear something overly cheery either.

I decided on brown.  Nice neutral color.  Dark, but not black.  I decided that it probably didn't matter much what I wore because I knew that I'd probably dress better than my Dad.  He showed up to both of my weddings in jeans, t-shirt and a baseball cap.

He did not disappoint for his own mother's wake either.  It was his usual uniform, but added some really bad chunky Harley Davidson boots to the ensemble.  His wife was in a tank long turquoise dress. 

Seriously people.

Overall, I held up nicely.  I have an Uncle that has always equalled comfort to me.  I love him.  Anytime I was feeling overwhelmed I sought him out and I instantly felt better.  Some people have that affect.  He does and I love him for it.

It is really weird though to walk into a room where people know your name, cheers look like you, are your "family" but know NOTHING about you.  They do not know how you tick, what makes your heart tick, how your brain works nonstop in your head.  They straight and simple do. not. know. you.  As much as they like to THINK they do.  They do not.

The funeral was Monday morning, however, my bruiser Bubba bad teeth was scheduled for oral surgery Monday morning.  So I had a great excuse made my apologies about not being able to make it.

That's that and that's that.

So my award, self rewarded or otherwise states that I have to tell you three things I love about myself.

This is fitting, right.

1) I love my eyes.  I love that they change colors.  I love when they are green.
2) I love that I have a quick wit, usually.  I can be comical at times. 
3) I love that through it all, every heart break I have a pretty good heart, a caring heart, a giving heart, a hopeful heart.

There you go bishes.  My weekend wrap up and an award.

Now, let me pass this award along to one special blogger that has my heart through the blogging world.

Ms Sassy Pants.  You rock my world.  Get yours girl.

Happy weekend everyone.

She's still talking about this PAST weekend.

So the weekend...

what???

Yes, I know, we are rounding the corner to another weekend.  Bare with me while I tell you about the weekend past.

Saturday we had the privilege to join Mr.FF, Burger and Onion on Scouts night at the Gary Railcats game.

The cool part was after the game all the scouts were invited to camp out on the field.  We were pretty stoked. 



They played a movie on the jumbo tron and kids were running everywhere.

I am not a big camper...I mean, I don't mind it as long as there is a place to pee and shower and preferably they are in different stalls.

By midnight however, the movie was still playing, there were kids still running everywhere.  We had an early wake up call to get Bubba over to his first football game.  My alarm was set to wake us at 5 am.

We got all the kids into the tent, they could still see the movie from the open windows.  I knew that the younger ones would fall asleep pretty quickly...Mr.FF too.  I dozed off to wake when the movie was over.  I looked over at the rest of my tent sharers to see all sleeping faces.

*shew*

5 am alarm sounded and I snoozed it til about 6 am, then it was up and about time.  I was surprised to see how many people were up and taking down their tents.  I just wanted some coffee...and to wash my face.

We packed up pretty quickly and headed out to Bubba's first "game".



He looked so stinking cute tough in his football gear.  We taped up his chin, double padded his chin strap and sent him out to the Brickies wolves.  He hadn't practiced with his team for the last week and a half due to the stitches.  To say I was nervous would be putting it lightly.

Mr.FF reassured me that he would be fine, he was so sweet holding my hand and laughing supporting me in cheering for Bubba.

Well, he didn't get killed out there, but he was pretty timid.  I am hoping that some more practice time will help with that. 

We have our FIRST REAL game this Saturday *bites nails*. 

Mr.FF has his coaching debut game this weekend too.  I am sure that I will be there (in spirit cause I can't be on the field) supporting him and laughing cheering him and Burger on for their game.

Wordless Wednesday-First day of School

My beautiful daughter, 4th grade


My handsome (handful) son, 1st grade.