Today is your birthday. At age 54, you still haven't become that father figure I wished you would become.
When I say, "father figure" maybe I don't even know if I know what that means. To me it means, a man. A man who loves his family, who cares about his family, who is involved in his family.
I can't speak for you, but I would guess you do love your family and you do care about your family. The involved part is where you fall short. The SHOWING you care and love your family is where the bottom drops.
I have grown up without the support of a father figure. You weren't there for birthdays, you weren't there for the first break up, you weren't there for the first born grandchild. You just weren't there. You still aren't there.
Without the support of a father figure I have turned to other men in my life to show me the love and support that I was so lacking from you. That is a large bill for someone else to pay. No other man can give me what you so selfishly kept from me. YOU.
You were young, I can give you that. I understand at the age of 20, when I was born, you probably didn't get what it meant for your life to have a child. I am sure that at 20 I didn't get what it would mean and change in my life.
Though now, at the age of 54, it seems you still don't get it. If you DO get it, you have given up! We have let the last 22 years go by and we have gotten comfortable in our role of no relationship.
For me it was easier. Easier to go on living the out of sight out of mind. I had to, what other choice was I given. It was either carry the ENTIRE relationship on my shoulders or rely on you to take some of the burden. Burden. That is exactly what it has felt like to me. It was a BURDEN to continue and maintain a relationship with me once Mom regained custody. At age 12, it wasn't something that should have been put on me to keep intact.
I feel disappointed with you, I feel hurt by you and I feel unloved by you. I want to know that I have made you proud, I want to know that you are sorry for how distant you have been, I want to know you care and have cared.
Most of all, I want you to know how I feel. I don't mean that I want to make you hurt, because I don't, but I want you to hear it from my mouth, understand it through my eyes, feel it through my heart. I want you to know.
*side note, I have put in two calls to my father for a "sit down and have coffee talk" with no return calls*
Stacie - another heartfelt post that has me in tears. I'm so sorry that your father has withheld his love, affection and time from you for such a long time. I can't even begin to imagine how much that hurts - especially if you make that huge effort to reach out to him, only to be ignored.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't much I know to say that could comfort you, but know you have love & support from your friends. It doesn't replace what you need from your father, but hopefully it helps ease a little of the pain.
Hello there,
ReplyDeleteWell, i can somewhat relate to this post. The only difference is that you've been doing your best to approach him and reach out to him. The disappointment is certainly marked when their distance is felt; by words and actions, not only by presence.
You'll be fine Stace and lots of luck.
My dad was and is there for me. But my girls' dad is not here for them. This has resulted in my girls not being all they could have been and one of them is in trouble right now. (Of course, daddy has come to her rescue NOW...too little too late, and only because I sorta threatened him).
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you are putting this all in writing, getting it out of your being.This si so healthy for you! I am here for you, I understand!
This must be so painful for you to write about but it must also be therapeutic too.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. No child should have to endure being ignored. EVER.
I hope he comes to his senses. Really, it's his loss.
Oh, Stacie, I am so sorry. ((*Big Hugs*))
ReplyDeleteKellan
Coming from a home where my father was there physically, but not emotionally or mentally, I feel your pain. My father was an alcoholic for the first 10 years of my life, and has resorted back to drinking again in the last 10 years. It's hard. Hard to understand. Hard to swallow. Hard to digest. Hard to recover from.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have experienced this pain and I pray for you, that it gets better.
I was mad at my Dad (and my Mom) for a long time after their divorce. I was very young, it was a long time ago. Yet there are still times when I feel unreasonably angry with him for my childhood. Though I must say I am better now at controlling my emotions rather than letting them control me.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you find some peace in the way things are.
xo