All joking aside. This is one of my sobering (literally) posts, so if you only come here for pictures, or
I'll wait.
You're still here?
Ok.
Here is what I do know.
I know that alcoholism is a disease.
I know that the disease controls the person.
I know there isn't much I can do to stop the disease.
I know that I have no control over it, or what the person does about it.
I know that it can ruin lives and relationships.
I know that because of other's alcoholism, I have a messed up way of thinking in my own life.
What I don't know:
How to let it go.
How to love despite the disease.
How to reach out, without feeling disappointment.
Thoughts of my father, still pop up from time to time. The ringing sound in my heart chimes out WHY?
Why wasn't *I* enough for him to change?
Even though I know, I can't make anyone change. Even though I have never asked him to change, I have hoped and wanted for him to be an active part of my life.
Knowing these things and still living with these WHYS, I am confused on what to do with them, how to handle them.
The thoughts lead me straight to where I am today and the reasons I married hubby 2.
The honest reasons.
1) I knew he had a drinking problem. I knew I didn't like his drinking. As we took the vows of marriage, I had HOPED he would change. I wanted him to see that family was more important, that HIS needs weren't the only needs to be met.
(Something I wish that my father had done for me and my brother)
2) I had hoped that "making" him "see" that we were more important he would change, proving his love for us.
(Something I wish that my father would do- prove his love)
3) If he could change, then my father NOT changing or making me a priority in his life was because HE was the problem, not my lack of lovable characteristics.
(All I need is love)
4) If hubby would change, maybe then I would let my guard down to let love in.
(If I could let go of what I think love looks like or what love should or shouldn't do for me, maybe it wouldn't be so unrecognizable)
All of the wrong reasons to marry someone, I know that, and I admit that I made a mistake.
It's like I am searching for this love from outside sources that could NEVER be there in the capacity I want it to, or in the capacity that I need it to.
These posts take me forever to write because they feel so messed up, I feel messed up with these thoughts, but I don't know how to reason through them, I don't know how to make them "right". I don't know how to make any of them make sense to me.
With what I know, where do I go from there?
you'll find your path
ReplyDeleteI second what Stacy said. And, in the meantime, you've got exercise equipment.
ReplyDeleteI think you are headed in the right direction with just being aware.
ReplyDeleteI think you have discovered one of the hardest things to figure out, "WHY?" I wish I could about myself :-) You are making such great progress, keep going!!!
ReplyDeleteI think you managed to write down your feelings, feelings that are are clearly not easy ones to deal with, in a very clear and honest way. Be patient with yourself. Take care of you :)
ReplyDeleteHey Stacie. Check your email. I emailed you from my site address.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I think a big step is realizing this and sharing.
ReplyDeleteSomeday something so great will come to you and you will just *know* it is right.
xoxo
I am not a psychologist and I would only be able to give you assvice so I am just going to say at least you are realizing all of this now and hopefully history and the cycle will not repeat itself. Know what I mean? This divorce as difficult as it is and will be for you and the kids, it is giving you a clean slate and clear eyes to find the future you want and need. Don't settle for anything less.
ReplyDeleteYou are moving in the right direction. I would say that recognizing why you made unhealthy choices is the first step toward not making them again. But also, accepting that those men's choices and mistakes say NOTHING about your worth or value is an important step also. It took me a long time to come to grips with my father's abandonment, and it still poisons my marriage sometimes, and still affects my self-worth when I let it. But HIS problem had nothing to do with me - and the same is true for you. Just keep getting up and doing your best each day - and it will get easier. ((HUG))
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to get over these things but just by writing it down it does much good I think. Kind of gets it out of your brain and relieves you of some of the mental boxing matches that go round up there... I'll think good thoughts at your direction.
ReplyDeleteI guess we all have our 'things' we're working on.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, because no matter what, it will change.
I don't have any advice, just a show of support. I think talking it out, thinking it out, writing it out, all help you to sort it out. Just keep working on finding your right answer.
ReplyDeleteBeing married to an alcoholic is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I did it for 10 years. Having a father who is an alcoholic is also difficult, but (for me) it wasn't nearly as hard as watching your child's father destroy his life. I hope you find your way. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough road, but you'll make it. You're strong and adaptable - and I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteStacy, the best thing that I did was to go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor and work the steps. I learned that I couldn't change anyone except myself. And what a relief to realize that no matter how much I wished for another to change, it wasn't going to happen. But I could change my attitude, I could be grateful for what I did have, and I could take better care of myself. I can only change me--that was a big step of realization.
ReplyDeleteSeems to me that figuring out some of this is setting you down a new road. This is not messed up Stacie, it's real and it's fabulous analysis of yourself. Besides, you may feel like marrying him was a mistake but then you would't have Bubba and I know you wouldn't change that for the world.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, life is a journey! And now you have elliptical so what more do you need? ;-)
I think it's great that you are so aware of why you made the choices you made and why you are making the choices you are making now.
ReplyDeletePatterns repeat and the only way to stop them is to become aware of them and choose a different path.
Being aware will help you to break the pattern, in turn, helping your children make different, better choices for themselves so that they do not follow the patterns as well.
You are on your way.
you're taking the right steps...and as hard as it is, remembering that you can't change others, only your reactions to them, is the biggest help, I've found.
ReplyDeletegood thoughts your way!!
So I just recently started spying on you. And when I saw you mention divorce I had to get more info. I made it down here so far. After three years of seperation my divorce just finalized this month. I left when J-bug was one. And alcohol had a huge role in our marriage. Though there were other reasons too. It's tough thinking that alcohol is more important to them than you or kids. A friend from work gave me a Al Anon booklet and I couldn't believe that it said we had to accept them as they were and not expect them to change. Basically I had to live in misery so he could be selfish. Hell no! That book was an eye opener! I was gonna make sure my daughter had at least one happy healthy parent. So I asked for a divorce...and here I am :)
ReplyDelete