Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Naked trees leave naked emotions.

KYLE fall 09 024

I have a pit in my stomach.

I have some anger, building, surfacing no matter how much I push it down with my silver linings.

I can sugar coat just about every situation, look at the bright side and it's a good trait, but with Thanksgiving upon us, I am digging deep for that glitter to make this year OK.

I am a fixer, a pleaser, a series of crappy parent issues played out in failed adult relationships.

No matter how many rainbows I throw out to tell myself that "new traditions" are good and can be as good as old, I'm struggling today to pull myself out of the grand canyon of anger issues.

When my grandparents died eight years ago, my mom, understandably, died a little with them. I screamed, I threw myself on the floor crying for new traditions. Begging for her to pull herself up and carry on.

"We are still here, we are still alive." I pushed.

I forced her to cook a turkey, I forced her to put up a tree that year...and eventually she did, pull herself up.

Barely.

This year, my divorce, her divorce, her moving to Arizona...I am now screaming at myself to create NEW TRADITIONS. My kids are still here, my kids are still alive and dammit, so am I.

I miss her. I miss having someone to pull up so that I don't have to think about pulling myself up. I see now that I was pulling myself up, just to pull her up.

I feel the pain, fiercely in my heart.

After a death, a divorce is like a death of sorts, I'm left alone, feeling like what am I suppose to do now? To not have my mom to lean on, to "fix", I feel a little lost.

*I know, I have a million reasons to be happy, a million reason (or two three very important reasons) to pull myself up and I will, just needed to get this out. Back to shitting roses and pots of gold. I promise. Carry on.


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More Madness from Stacie's Madness at 10:56 AM
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22 Sharing the Madness:

  1. All I can say is, I understand...
    And its very good for you to even be able to recognize it!
    I wish I had magic words to make things better, but just know we;re here for you.
    xoxoxoxo
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  2. Hang in there, weirdo...it takes time...you're a strong gal with strong kids...you'll see it through...
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  3. ugh. it's always tougher when the holidays roll around. do what you said...create a new tradition. if your kids are with you for the holidays, create a tradition with them. if they are with the ex, create a tradition for yourself. hang in there!
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  4. this is a very cute post... but it'll be ok Stace... I'm on the same situation as you, well, with the only difference that my life sucks huge saggy balls, but other than that it's ok and you'll be ok.
    muah
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  5. Too bad you can't send her a plane ticket and pull her into your Thanksgiving. I'm thinking of you, kid.
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  6. It's ok to be mad and to feel pain over all that has happened to you in the last year. Actually, you probably wouldn't be normal if you didn't. Mayb you could do this, ask the kids what they like about the holidays and what are some things that they could do without and then build your new traditions on those things. The things that are really important to the three of you.

    Starting over is hard, but it can also be refreshing. And I say that to you as a total hypocrite that wishes I could forget about Thanksgiving and zoom over Christmas so that the sharp pain of loss would not cut so deep. We'll get there. Slow and steady.
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  7. I totally understand. Sometimes it is easier to focus on helping someone else, then when they don't need that help or aren't around to give that help to, you are stuck with all those things you pushed away...sucks. I'll pull you up though!! Love you!
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  8. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. And you will pull yourself up, I'm sure of it.
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  9. It's weird but I have been thinking about this lately. What will I do when I'm the one to carry on the traditions. Right now we still go to my parents' house for all holidays. But when that day happens (god I hope it is far far away) what will happen in our family. Will my sisters and I pull it together or each go our own way.
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  10. You don't have to be happy, Stacie. Nor do you have to pretend everything is glitter and shiny. Yes, I think it is important to do things different every year so that when things do change, and they do, you can still have some things the same and some things new. Hang in there, pally. You're gonna make it okay. :)
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  11. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. This can be a very difficult time of the year. Hang in there, you're going to be just fine! It's time for new traditions!
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  12. (((HUGS))) I know how you are feeling right now. the first year of holidays after my mom died was the hardest. The tradition were now left to me and I just felt so sad and helpless without her.
    Hang in there, your traditions will come in time.
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  13. Man. It sucks I know but I am sure you and your kids will have a great Thanksgiving. I am sorry you are feeling shitty about this and I really hope everything works out for you cause the holidays can be tough if you have no family around you.
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  14. Two steps forward, one step back. It's all part of the process of healing. (((hugs)))
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  15. I'm so sorry for your losses.

    Screw everyone who tells you to try to look on the bright side. Sometimes you need to focus on what's really bothering you, like you are now.

    Don't worry about trying to shit our roses for our entertainment.

    Take your time, and we'll be here when you get back.
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  16. I get it, my girls and I had to do this. You will create some new and great traditions with your kids.
    Ahem...I actually invited their dadd to Thanksgiving dinner. At first he accepted, then the other night he stopped by for a visit. It was only me and my youngest here.
    He was starting to leave and I said, "We'll see you Thanksgiving then." He replied, "Oh, I'll try to come by, I have to go to so and so's place and then this person asked me over, then that person asked me over." My daughter said, "Oh, so nothing's changed in your life, has it?" Typical, just typical.
    Sorry, didn't mean to eat up the comments. I just wanted to let you know that even after 16 years, I am still reinventing traditions, the girls and I are fine!
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  17. You and I seem to be following along the same Shakespearean arc. I was very touched by this post, thanks for sharing. New traditions become old traditions(stupid cliche' I know) but I guess WE both have to put faith in cliche's sometimes...they are time tested.
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  18. I'm sorry Stacie. That does suck. But maybe just pull yourself up for your kids now. This is an important year for them to have those new traditions and new memories with you. I'm thinking of you, and I hope you can pull yourself up! big hugs
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  20. We had to create our own traditions and pull ourselves out of a funk when the relatives, especially my brother and mother died. You can do it! :)
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  21. Stacy, I'm just catching up. Tough day yesterday. But a lot of gratitude. I think that you will find a way to make your own traditions. I focus on all that I have to be grateful for and that makes me feel better. Love those children of yours and enjoy being thankful.
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  22. Ack! I go MIA for a month and look what happens. You get sad. And angry. I hope all is better now or at least moving in that direction. But if not, please know that it is absofuckinglutely OK to be sad and angry. You've been through hell and back and are fully entitled.

    CYBER-SMOOCHES!
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C'mon, pull up a therapy couch and tell me all about it...

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